Yesterday’s post was about being chronically late. I said that you’re late because you want to be. Being late serves you in some way. You have free will and you can change by choosing to change.
A reader wrote, said he agreed, and asked how he could tell his wife that she’s late because she chooses to be, “without inspiring the death stare”.
Ah, the stare.
The answer: you can’t. I’m guessing that not only does being chronically late serve her in some way, so does being in denial about it.
But maybe not. Maybe she will admit that she’s chronically late. Good. That’s step one. You can’t fix a problem unless you admit you have a problem. You can’t effect change if you don’t admit you need to change.
Perhaps being chronically late is a running joke in your house and she will cop to it. Good. Onto step two.
Step two is admitting you want to do something about it. Does she? Would she like to not always be late?
If she doesn’t want to change things, you aren’t going to get anywhere. Not without a formal intervention, anyway.
If she admits that she would prefer not being late, you have an opening. A place to start.
Now what?
Bring on the expert witnesses.
Don’t offer any advice. The people we are closest to never listen to us. You need “third party” information. Get some articles and books about the subject.
Start with tips (like setting two alarms in the morning, for example). Maybe one of the books or articles will say what I said, that being chronically late is a choice. She won’t listen to you. She might listen to a third party expert.
The other thing you can do is suggest an exercise you heard about (from me; I’m telling you about it now). Sit with her with paper and pen and write a “can do” list. Draw a line down the center of the page. On the left side, she writes down all of the situations where she is commonly late. On the right side, she writes down everything she can think of that she can do about those situations, e.g., setting two alarms in the morning.
Again, this isn’t you offering suggestions. She has to come up with the solutions herself.
Every solution she comes up with reinforces the idea that she is not powerless, there are things she “can do”.
And. . . you haven’t “told” her anything. Because you can’t. That stare is lethal.
